Self Portrait #8

I know...I know.... I have commitment issues....

I noticed my hands the other day. They were itchy and dry, my nails needed trimmed, and I had a hang nail. Yeah, lovely.

My first thought was "Geez. I need some lotion."

Then I started recalling why my hands are such a mess...

I wash my hands a bazillion times a day because I'm changing diapers, answering the "Mom! I'm done!" call, feeding children, touching grocery carts...

I'm always touching a towel or tissue after washing my hands, wiping snotty noses or baby food faces, cleaning up spit up off the floor, or cookie crumbs from the counter...

They get covered in hair spray and detangling spray because I've got a daughter with beautiful curly hair...

I'm an artist, I'm hard on my hands with fabric and paint and glue and and and...

I plant flowers and don't own a trowel (should put that on my Christmas list) and I'm not afraid of sticking my hands in the dirt....

I touch a lot of things all. day. long.

My hands stroke my baby's cheeks when he needs comfort, touch fevered foreheads, tickle a silly toddler's belly and twist the little curls on her head, make my husband squirm, are the home of my wedding ring, hold little trinkets that are just too heavy to carry home, make people angry if I wave them annoyingly in traffic, make people happy when I wave at them because I recognize them from a distance, give high fives, applaud a somersault or first baby steps, play pat-a-cake, look like my mom's, and are frankly amazing.

I'm growing to appreciate and love my wrinkly, sometimes sore, un-manicured, strong, snappy, vein-y, regular hands. I could not be a hand model and I'm okay with that. :)

They still could use some lotion.

I'm trying still to model the Proverbs 31 passage about a wife of noble character.

¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Let's hear it for hands!

Self Portrait #7

I have had a long week since my last post. Levi was sick last time. Then I got it. Then Mike got it. All the while Elli was fighting a crazy high fever that wouldn't break among other things - today she's finally herself, I think. I am exhausted. I've been working with Mike and not feeling like I am helping him enough. I have been in this house for so long with no help, I am losing my already exiting mind! I have felt abandoned and alone. I feel like screaming for help, but no one will hear me. I have been hurt by people that I thought cared for my family, but are really just selfish and I don't understand how someone could intentionally hurt another person...especially when they consider themselves a strong Christian....but that's another post. I don't even know how to respond! How am I supposed to act when I see them?!

I guess I'm in a bit of a funk. My anniversary is on Monday and it's already full of things and appointments that don't include celebrating together with my husband. Life is hard sometimes, and this is one of those times for me.

I just want something to be easy!! I want to create something! I want to have a day to myself - just me, maybe some friends....but no kids. I need a breather. I need to recharge.

Self Portrait #6

A self-portrait haiku

My kisses can heal

A belly ache or boo-boo.

Mom works her magic.

Self-portrait #4

Today's a good day. My kids have been pleasant, making me pleasant, so I've accomplished a lot, and I'm still going!

I started a new job this week! I am working for my husband, at our church, as his assistant. As I considered the offer, because his previous assistant had to move out of state, I went back and forth. On the one hand, I have enough on my plate right now. Did I really need to throw something else into the mix? On the other hand, I won't be getting anymore last minute texts that he has an advisory team meeting or leadership meeting or whatever other meeting to throw off my plans. Maybe I can plan my time and my schedule with the kids better. Maybe by helping him, it will free up some stress in his life to help me at home, relieve some of my stresses, and let me craft. (I can only hope!)

I considered the responsibilities that I have to my children and to Mike as well. Biblically, I am called as a wife to be Mike's 'help mate.' (Ephesians 5:22-33) And I want him to succeed, so that's not a problem. I'm glad to help!

If I study the "Proverbs 31" woman, how do I look? Am I a wife of noble character?

Vs 11 says that "Her husband has full confidence in her..." - he must if he thinks I can help him....right?

Vs 12 "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." - I try!

Vs 17 "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." - Heck yes, I do...and they are! Ha :)

So, I'm going to try it. What have I got to lose? I'm working in the office a couple mornings a week, and from home most of the rest of the time in between other tasks and the kids. I was working when I took my self-portrait today :) I've got to take a break now and then to make a silly face with a silly little girl :)

Self Portrait #3

I personify everything! If there's only one egg left in the carton, I tell it not to worry, I'll use it soon. I talk to my flowers and tell them how pretty they are, or that I'm sorry I forgot to water you! Don't die please!! If there are rows of something that I need at the grocery store, I don't grab the first and obvious one - I grab one that wasn't expecting to go next, just to throw off the store shelf dynamics. I see faces in everything too. You get the idea.

Neurotic? Maybe.

I've been doing some re-decorating and re-purposing of some furniture pieces, which is why I haven't been posting much...well, anything...other than these self-portraits. I can't get anything finished! Working on it...

I came across a Bible verse a while ago and it made me think of my house and all of the stuff that's in it. It made me laugh! Currently, the dresser in my bedroom is crying this out to me:

Psalm 71:9
Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

I'm trying not to, dear dresser! I am going to sand you down, clean you up your rough spots, fix your broken drawers, brush on a nice new coat of paint, polish you up real nice, and make you like a brand new piece! You're going to be better than you ever thought you could be!

Do you think God ever tells us that? "Stop worrying, Jessie. I would never cast you away! You might feel broken, I'll fix that. You've got some rough edges? I'll fix those too. Just wait! I'm going to shower you with my love, polish you up real nice, and make you like a brand new piece! You're going to be better than you ever thought you could be! Just, let me take care of you. I love YOU!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Self Portrait #2

I am overdue on my self portrait for the week!

I have discovered that in knowing that I'm going to be blogging stuff about myself, I am thinking about myself a lot more. Not that I didn't ever think of myself before, but I'm trying to think of positive things about myself that I can be proud of and real about.

I still don't know what I'm going to post that will be encouraging, since I am exhausted and stressed and worn thin. Levi is teething and has been so needy as of late that I can't think straight! I love my son, but honestly!

Though I am annoyed a lot of the time, there really is nothing like a mother's touch. He can be in such pain and frustration with his teeth and learning to walk and everything, that no one but me can help him. I give him an instant comfort, an instant safe feeling, an instant relief. What a power and gift! My mom is the same for me! I can be ready to lose my mind, but I call her up and she talks sense into me, listens, cooks for me, or just does nothing. It's knowing that mom will be there for anything.

Honestly, I wish someone had this 'gift' with Levi so I could get some sleep! Ha! But this to shall pass...right?!

I'm a mom. I'm sleep deprived. I live on caffeine. I scream a lot. I love my kids. It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.

It's worth it.

A weekly self-portrait

I'm tired of putting myself down and I've noticed lately that we, as women and mothers, seem to be tired of feeling bad about ourselves. We have had enough of society's definition of beauty, because not only is it unrealistic, it's downright discouraging. I am sick of beating myself up. I have had enough of feeling inadequate.

I had heard that when I get in my thirties, I will finally start getting comfortable in my own skin and not worrying about society's beauty standard. Why did it have to take until then? But, I have found that to be true! Granted, I am newly thirty, but, I have slowly been coming to realize that there are more important things in life than how I should be looking in my jeans. I am ready to free myself. I think this is true, because I had a dream where I was naked in front of a bunch of people and I was okay! I wasn't freaked out like I would have been a year ago even! I didn't wake up traumatized or disturbed...only confused why I would have dreamt something like that.

I am ready to start living and believing what my husband says he sees in me, and God must see when He looks at me... that I am beautiful, created for a purpose, perfect. Yes, I said perfect. That's so much more important during these days and minutes that we are granted than worrying about how I look! God doesn't make mistakes, we know that. Why do we treat ourselves as if we are something that needs to be fixed? I look at my daughter and I see a beautiful little girl who loves herself and believes that we love her for who she is and not what she should be or how she should look. I do not want to be responsible for squashing her self esteem because I'm modeling the opposite. I see my son and want to help him grow up into a man that one day will love and respect women and not expect them to be a certain form or shape or grace the cover of a magazine before he'll acknowledge them.

I'm not saying that taking care of ourselves is a bad thing. I think it's important to eat healthy and to exercise (I' m going to be working on that)... to be responsible for the health of our bodies. We are temples! Christ dwells in our bodies and we are responsible to take care of them. But enough is enough! Let's be proud of who we are. We have muffin tops and jiggly arms, cellulite and stretch marks. Our breasts are not as perky as they once were. Who cares?

Why obsess? We have more important things to concern ourselves with. Our self worth comes from the Lord! Our joy can not depend on whether or not we can fit into the jeans we wore three years ago, or even three weeks ago. We will only be full of grief and depression. Our joy must come from Him and not depend on our circumstances. He trumps them!!

I have seen a few blogs that are doing a weekly self-portrait of themselves and I have been challenged, personally, to do it myself. Not for you, but for me. For my husband. For my precious children. You are welcome to tag along, I even encourage you to do it with me. You don't have to make it public like this, maybe in a journal or something. Just reflect on yourself and how incredible you are that God made you just the way he wants and has plans for you! Isn't that amazing?!

I am not very comfortable having my picture taken unless I am holding one of my children, and even then, I don't know what to do with my face! I'm not comfortable with how I look! I'm a little bit more comfortable taking pictures of myself, because I don't feel as silly when no one is watching. I guess I've always felt a bit vain taking pictures of myself, unless it's a picture of my hair - and then it's not even of me really. I think this challenge will help me to get over that. What memories will our children have of us if we don't include ourselves in the photos.

So I am diving into the challenge and will do my best to take a self portrait every week. I may be alone, I may be with the kids (because they are, after all, a part of me).

I'm ready to be more comfortable with myself and I'm interested to see how this will affect my daily life.