I have been SO busy.
I feel like I am one of those girls who balance the spinning plates on the sticks...only I am not one who is good at it. I have held up for a long time...but I feel like I am going to crash and burn any second now.
I like my job. Most of the time. I really can't stand customers - so, yes, I understand that I am in the wrong business. They think that just because I am working at Pier 1, I must be uneducated and stupid. I like to prove them wrong. It is a sport that I do well at. It may get me into trouble one of these days, but who cares. I want to quit, and that would just make things easier. But seriously, why should I have to put up with ignorant customers who think they can come in and boss me around and get all up in my face with their "money" and their "do you know who I am" attitudes? Argh.... I like my job....when I get to play with the merchandise and have people buy the stuff I put together, and when I get to work with people I like. That's not too picky is it? I have been working too much. I need a few days off in a row....like 60 days...that would be great.
I have had no time. I work at Pier 1 too much. I get home and then have to work theire with the usual laundry, dishes, vaccum, sweeping, mopping, dinner, flowers, dog care, yadda yadda yadda....oh yeah...and the baby too. She takes most of my time ALL the time, so my housework gets put on the back burner. So after working with stupid people all day, I get Elli and I am exhausted and she's taking my time and I don't feel like doing anything....so I don't. Mike goes hungry....again. I figure he has mastered the act of looking in cabinets, opening a pack of Ramen and consuming it...let him. Give me a break. My house is SO gross right now.
I want to paint. I want to be a full time mom and make my art. I have said all along that I want to paint and make money with that....would someone please tell me how I am supposed to do that while I am working 30 hours at the Pier (when it was supposed to be only 15 when I came back from maternity leave...I'm not bitter....do I sound bitter?) , and I have to take care of my home and family? I don't think I can do all of this. Somethings gotta give. I can' lose my gift that God has given me, and I feel like everyday that I don't use it, I am losing it. I have so many ideas of things I want to make right now...but I have no time to do it. I am getting really frustrated and depressed about it all.
I need to lose 15 pounds. I borrowed Mike's belt the other day. It fits. How upsetting that I can wear my husband's belt - IN THE SAME NOTCH! Seriously...someone make me quit eating.
I think I need to go to bed. This is all getting to me.
4 comments:
Trust in the Lord! Which I know you do. I too am in the same boat; however, I was lucky enough to just take a week of work. To do nothing, but hang out with Jake and catch up on a few things. My number one priority in life is Jake. If that means I have to work to earn money to feed him, then I do that. If that means I stay up until midnight to clean the house so he can live in a clean home, I do it. I pray every day for a way I can be a full time mom and that's it. Follow your dreams. Ask for help when you need it. Prioritize! I love ya!
Hang in there, Jessie! ALL Moms feel like you do - I don't know why no one will talk about it in public. I think it's worse when your kids are little and demand so much care and attention, but it never goes away. The best advice I have is this: I know it seems like it's going to exacerbate the feelings you have, but you MUST find time for you, find time to paint, MAKE the time to do what you want to do. Schedule one babysitting time per week for you to paint! Then see if you don't begin to feel more fulfilled.
I used to think that the old adage "If Momma ain't happy, then nobody's happy" was so selfish and self-serving: but I've learned that it's really true. four hours per week to paint will begin to make you more fulfilled and you will enjoy the rest of your life more. Paint when Elli naps. Put her playpen in the studio and paint her.
Put yourself first at times and fulfill your artist's soul, and you'll be an even better Mom for Elli and wife for Mike!
It will feel hard and cumbersome at first, but it will be worth it in the end. And the side benefit is that Elli will grow up exposed to art and also learn how to fulfill herself! What a gift to give!
AND call if you need a shoulder to scream on!
love you!!!
I'm not a mom and don't have the same stresses that you do. The only encouragement I can offer is that sometimes things are hard. Sometimes it feels like you just can't do anymore. But then you have to look at the best things you have in life. Look at Elli and see what a beautiful human being you and Mike brought into this world. Take each day at a time. Nothing God puts in front of you is more than you can handle. I'm there for ya if you need anything....
Jessie, I'm right there with you. I think there is an epidemic of women who feel overwhelmed, exhausted with the day to day, wanting to do more in life but having little or no energy to do it. It's crazy but our daily life keeps us from having the life we need. I too come home from work (during the school year) with no energy, no desire to do anything to the house, with the pets, or with myself. I hardly cooked last year at all and my house was so neglected. We shouldn't feel guilty about it. We are both full of ideas of things we want to do, but can;t find the time to do them. Is there any way you could go back to 15 hours a week? I like Ruth's idea of you taking some time to yourself to paint. Your gift will be with you always. God won't let it slip away from you. He's building you right now by giving you these experiences. They may be stressful, but God won't give you more than you can cope with.
As far as gaining weight... Garland's jeans are almost too small for me. He's losing weight and I'm gaining it all.
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